Hang the Dj

Human interaction has minimized over the past week or so

Curiously since moving on campus I’ve hung out with people less

There’s still no one here that’s like my go to person

Everyone’s doing something different

Or just on a different wavelength

There’s a big party tonight

Y2K

They play old songs and shit

There was a pregame which was also my friends birthday party

But I didn’t go

Why?

I have no idea

Is it social anxiety?

I have no idea

I think I just want to hang out with a group of people and feel like they won’t leave me behind

And for some reason I feel like I would be left behind

I’m definitely not opposed to drinking and having a good time

I just don’t feel like I have a convenient way to do so?

I loved the Black Mirror episode I watched yesterday

It’s about love

And man love just gets you fuzzy

It’s weird it’s a crazy feeling

I feel like I would love to find someone here in school

But it doesn’t feel like it’s gonna happen

I’ve been working on this song

Trying to learn what sounds good and what sounds right

What is experimental and can fly and what is just shit

I’m getting better tho

Won’t get better without a software update

GarageBand has been fine but it lacks a variety of sounds in my opinion

The thing I struggle with the most is the form of a song

Like how a song has different parts and how they transition and how long each part should be and how to make all the parts sound coherent

I wish I had like a brother here

That would go out with me

Do everything fun

Idk get me out of this hole

Our men’s basketball team lost on a half court shot 3 today

I jinxed the game it was terrible

I asked if we ever had a 2 game winning streak

It’s a terrible season

I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life socially

There’s not really a community here at my dorm and I’m spending way too much time by myself

So I’m gonna figure that out

The biggest thing I should realize

And keep in mind

Is that everything will fall into place

And I should just be patient

Not sit on my ass and expect everything to fall on my lap

But take things step by step

I’m trying to like figure out a plan for the summer

Trying to volunteer somewhere for a month

Gotta apply to a place and shit like that

Excited for it

There are highs and lows and as I individualize and separate myself from people

For good and bad

To learn the things I want to learn

I will have to learn how to still get my human interactions

Because I need it

Clair de Lune

Last semester, the second week of school was

Canceled

Because of Harvey

This semester

The first three days of the second week of school have been

Canceled

Because of “frigid” conditions (and MLK)

Kind of bullshit the second time around

But hey I’m not complaining

I’ve woken up at about 11 am both days

Procrastination is real when you know you don’t have to go to class

But I’ve been consistently getting work done and reading

At my own pace

Today I quit my acapella group

Because I wanted my extra time to go towards

The course I have to do for my month abroad in the summer

And making my own music

decision- Quitting acapella

Reasons for – will give me more time for work, more time for own creative projects

Reasons against – I have formed bonds with these people, it also gives me videos posted online of me singing ( occasionally solos)

Why I chose to quit – even though I will have an acapella group to connect myself with and people to hang out with, I am lacking enthusiasm in singing a couple of notes in too large of a group.

Criteria for a good decision – I do end up making my own music and I keep the friendships I made

Apart from that decision I also made the decision to give a ticket to a warriors vs rockets game up

Because I thought going on a retreat with this group for a last hurrah was a good idea

But I don’t think I’ll go

It’ll be a little awkward I think

And I really need to get a good grasp on my academics and get a good start

And finish my moving plans

And maybe go to an African culture show and dinner

Or a party

An entire weekend opens you up to a lot of possibilities

I just put on some pajama pants cause I felt cold cause the ac was on but now it’s hot

I want to revive my clothing line OKRA

Still figuring out logistics and story

And how it could stand different

I was studying earlier

Reading for my computer science discrete math and algorithms class

And I realized how far I’ve come

I used to be pretty uneducated

Didn’t know math didn’t know anything technical

Now I’m reading my textbook with predicates and quantifiers and shit and I can follow

You throw me a derivative or integral to solve and I can take a good stab at it

I’m just really proud of how much I’ve grown

Even though I know this is just the beginning

I’m realizing

Getting a taste

Of what it will feel like when I graduate

With technical skills

As well as an art degree

As well as practical business knowledge

Under my belt

Just gotta trust the process

Work hard

And everything will eventually fall into place.

Oh and also- it was dad’s birthday today

Wrote him a little note that he appreciated

Should get him something next time!

I lay down to sleep and my toenail kept on getting caught on my fluffy blanket

And I just had to get back up and write about it

Cause goddamn that is one of the things I hate the most

Call it a pet peeve if you must but it’s just a physical reaction to me

A real pet peeve of mine is not being able to sit somewhere where my back is to the entrance or door

Something else I had to write down

Today I lost three games of pool

One of which came down to the black ball

I had to chip it into the middle hole

So I did so

But I did it so hard the cue ball overshot after hitting the 8 in, and scratched in the far corner

That’s a lesson

When the goal is in sight

When you are close to the kill

When you are a step from victory

You are also susceptible to the biggest mistakes

Stay vigilant and watch for ways you can fail

Because the worst feeling is when you are so close you can taste it

And you never get to taste it

Ever

Hey Cow!

Spent the weekend at camp Allen

Beautiful place

Drove there borrowed a sleeping bag from the rec

If I write all these details down I’m wondering if I’ll be able to relive everything

Car group staying in the car cause it cold

Awkward at first because people didn’t know each other

Crazy that we were so awkward when you look back

Got there

Did workshops and shit had gifts (binder, sweater, water bottle)

Walked out at night got lost in the night

In the woods

The stars

Silence

Absolute silence when everyone stood still

Nature takes over and it’s amazing

Walked in circles walked the wrong way

Listening to Billie eilish copycat sofi something remix rn

She’s such a good artist this Billie girl

Don’t think her stage name is the best though

Not easy to remember and doesn’t match her style

Dead hawk on barbed wire, pool out in the middle of nowhere

Wall of grass out of nowhere

Too

Slept like a goddamn baby

In these elevated cabins

Wasps in the bathroom

Reached for that tissue and almost put my hand on a wasp

Honestly surprised I didn’t get bit

Or whatever it’s called – stung

Next day so exhausting

Workshops about like professional development and coming to consensus and shit like that

Kind of unnecessary cause all i wanted was to get to know all the real people there

Not always do you get to be in a place

Where people intend to be genuine

At a safe space to be who you are

I learned during this trip that I’ve grown

Unapologetic

I don’t give a shit

You may like me or you may not

I’ll give you a reason to be on my side

But if you don’t vibe with that that’s fine

I’ve grown to watch by the sidelines

Apparently my color is blue

Caring and shit

Artistic poetic or whatever

Second color was orange- adventurous

We went out and did courses

First was like catching these lil animal things

In order – DNA fork

Then the frog hop lily pad game

I did a model with stuffed frogs and squeaky cows on the side

That night we did passion pitches

A min of something you are excited about

Told them about geckos

This whole trip I have been a little like reserved

Partly because I’ve been sleepy

But also because I really feel like I’ve done all this before

I have a need for this kind of program but I also feel like I’m more used to running these things

Campfire that night and after candlelight

Candlelight is a tradition that I love about my school

People just sit in a circle in the dark and share

Their thoughts

Deep or not

Funny and serious

I like candlelight because I’m good at being an authentic person

Being me

And just saying how I really think

And I think people really appreciate that

I really feel like I got a lot to share and shit

But they asked what 1 sentence piece of advice you would give to your 5 year ago self

And I said

“Shits about to hit the fan”

And everyone thought that was funny

I really don’t think I try to fish for laughter haha

Cause I hate it when people wallow in attention

But it does feel good when people are on your side and supportive of you

And think you’re entertaining

I’ve kind of lost that edge

I’ve kind of grown really goddamn cynical

And lost my ability to entertain and be funny and be someone people want to have fun with

But I’m finding it

That night people stayed up to ridiculous hours writing warm fuzzies

Warm fuzzies – nice genuine notes filled with compliments and good wishes

I didn’t write many at all but I got like 45

Haven’t read them yet I’m waiting until I’m alone in a room

And the people next door aren’t having sex like animals

I often forget how many people give a shit

Out of the camp though

Not a lot of people actively do

But maybe these warm fuzzies will soften a heart that has gone hard

I think going hard and cynical is who I will become

But I’ll always be soft and mushy inside

You just gotta earn that side haha

I was goddamn exhausted the last day

Rejections workshop – people that you look up to and seem like they have the world have gotten rejected by plenty of things so don’t shoot yourself in the foot by putting them on a pedestal and thinking you fail at everything

Wrote a letter to myself in the future

Challenged myself to soften up and learn to have fun again

I want a friend group honestly

Or a relationship since I’m a deep relationship kind of person

I’m good at maintaining relationships

But I really don’t fuck with shallow shit

I rather not even talk or get started

I don’t know if either of those two things will happen this year – I don’t even know if they will happen at rice

But something that really stuck

One of my good friends said at candlelight

Said that everything will fall into place

At some point

Just gotta be patient and work at it

Took pictures and linked together with yarn

Cows and horses and zebras on the way home

What a dream

auld lang syne

http://bit.ly/2AxNmOT

officially my first creative work out in the public!

very pleased with the result taking limited resources and time into account

without really realizing it

this blog has also been in existence for a year i think

since november!

crazy stuff

i’m still just talking to myself on here but i have a feeling

the more i create the more i put myself out there

the more people will eventually see this stuff

that’s why this place remains important to me

its very personal and that is one of the main reasons why i don’t know if i want to keep it to myself

but sharing what you think is also valuable

so not only did the song get posted on facebook,

my invention on Quirky.com from literally years ago got selected! 

and they might produce it! 

its absolutely insane, a childhood dream come true

2018 is enjoying a good start

speaking of good starts

i spent like two hours of my life today and yesterday

while waiting for karissa to finish her part of the recordings

and i started watching these

oh man they don’t seem like much but wow they are very addicting

satisfying

i might start sharing what i watch and intake more

i haven’t been reading anything but crucial conversations has come up handy multiple times

principles hasn’t been touched recently due to music taking over but it will – i’ve been seeing ray dalio more and more in my feed

nsa is watching – also amazon and facebook

(are they all working together?)

i haven’t taped my camera to my new laptop so they’re probably watching me rn

i learned that i sing way better at night – my voice got so much better after midnight today

tried re-recording our cover of back to you by louis tomlinson yesterday

recorded all of auld lang syne yesterday – hardest part was figuring out how i wanted to sound when i rapped

rapping is still foreign but i’ll work on it

back to you sounds like we are trying too hard, especially for me, and i’m not sure why

decision made – telling kar to create the backing track for back to you and trying to cover it 

verdict – wasn’t the best decision

i forgot how much editing and effects go into professional music

and thought for some reason i could tackle this hell of an engineered piece

sounds good but his voice is artificial as fuck – has this electric edit to it i can’t figure out

we spent so much time on it and first time around we just sounded too weak

when we tried it again yesterday it just sounded messy – without the electric edit it just sounded like we were shouting – at least for me

i’m gonna try and get a music workstation when i get back to houston

am moving back on campus

am enrolling in architecture 101 – was a decision too, and whether it was a good one will soon be determined

a lot of things going for me right now, and music is rising in my list of priorities for sure

really do want to write more creative works, but it takes thinking and a laptop

and that has been difficult

but its a new year what couldn’t come true now that couldn’t before right?

you were great this year peas and carrots

thanks for listening to me