Ove

It’s been another week

I haven’t really worked out

Confidence is dipping

Told Hannah what happened and she took it super well

Think we’ve reached a level that is pretty wild

I trust her and she trusts me and I think she truly cares

I can’t sleep and I’m waking up in the afternoon

Motivation is low

Been slipping at work

Today we learned how to roll a joint

For work yes haha

But everything else is tough

I feel like sometimes I don’t get listened to as much

Not sure – I feel like I’m not getting guidance or getting tuned in sometimes

Just having a hard time

Still having problems with my left leg and stomach which is still stressing me out

Went back to a doctor today and it was just a rough time

Embarrassing

Felt more embarrassed than I ever have in my life probably

Just shocked like nothing I’ve felt before

I just want to roll back the time so badly

At least now I’m doing more things to make myself feel better like an x ray and sorts

To distract myself from all this I met a girl

And that’s been fun

But it’s also been whats really been fucking my sleep schedule up

I really need more self control

I’m spiraling again

But just don’t know how to get back

Or just as long as I’m physically feeling not back

It’s so hard to feel like I’m back

But time with this girl makes me feel alive at least

And fulfilled – work is really stressing me out

I feel trapped and a tiny bit unappreciated and lost like without guidance

My job is tough and I don’t feel like I have enough mentoring

It’s okay I’ll bring it up!

Keep breathing fire

Keep breathing fire

Keep breathing fire

Again, my mom has been absolutely amazing

Here are some things she cooked for me

Chicken soup with the most tender chicken u can find

I mean I’m not gon list shit out haha oh she did my favorite pork and olive dish too

I’ll get back to it I swear

Atonement 125

I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel

Panic starting to subside

Body feeling better

Anxiety is lowering

Have gone to like 3 doctors lmaoo and they’re all telling me I’m fine

So I guess if I keep thinking I’m not fine that’s just stupid

Leg is still bothering me but felt better after a stretch so ig I should stretch more?

I’ve been feeling like a turtle

Scared turtle

Usually I feel pretty bulletproof

World can’t stop me type of shit you know

But man I’ve just been a fucking scared panicky anxious turtle stuck in its shell

My mama has been so gracious and patient and kind and helpful

I cannot even

Also saw dad a day or two ago

But he doesn’t really know what’s going on I don’t think, unless mom told him

Mama’s been a mom

She’s been just a mom and I’ve needed a mom

I think I’m learning a lesson in discipline here

You need a wake up call

Icarus burning off his wings sort of close call

To wake you the fuck up and get you right

And I know for sure imma fuck up again but

I sure as hell have learned a lesson and will look back on this

Took notes on symptoms but I also realized that maybe it would be smart to also take notes on like

The good feelings I had and the times of comfort

And existential clarity when I was panicking and feeling like I was going to die lol

We need to remember the beautiful moments as well as the miserable

I see the light though and I hope I’m right

Learning at work how to work with designers and clients

I have this tendency to I think end up ordering designers or coders to do things without justification and I need to fix that

Need guidance though need to find a mentor

Through this debacle I’ve been thinking about more existential things

And what I really want to do and who I really am

I’ve been getting back to Spanish, at least with Duolingo

I think baby steps really help

Making my bed each morning to set my day right – helps me from the anxiety or any depression that might be hanging around

I kind of want to live by a beach you know

Want to record peoples stories like Soft White Underbelly and help kids out

We’ll see, but I want this to be a changing point in my life

Coming home bc of COVID has been unexpected

And I wanted it to be a pit stop of contemplation and realignment of my life so far

A review and update sort of deal? Before I started real life

Didn’t know how that was going to happen until this

So I guess what’s bound to happen will happen in due time in its own way

Also looking to change up my style and get that nailed down while I’m here

Need to up my confidence and be myself, feel myself, and feel like I can be a part

Got a MasterClass annual deal for $1 so gonna use that shit to the max

But I’m not out of the woods yet, need to be careful healing up

Gotta keep br

Terry

This has been one of the toughest weeks of my life I think

I made a dumb mistake and just have spiraled into this panic anxiety world

It’s like the upside down from Stranger Things

Like now I’m just perpetually nervous that my body is acting up

I am constantly checking for symptoms

And trying to like reason my way out of the worst case scenarios

I can’t really do anything with focus

I’m just so worried that I fucked up my body

And it was all because of one dumb mistake so I just dunno

Just feeling like shit

Physically

This week has made me have more of an interest in medical stuff

And a newfound respect for the doctors that keep our world together

I just don’t know why I have symptoms and it scares me

I’ve also needed my mum’s help to see a doctor and explain what’s going on

And in turn have told my mom more about myself than I ever have

So it’s just been really dumb

I still don’t feel well

Every day is better than the last I think

But still I have body aches and I’m just worried about this and that

Last week I just felt like I was a shadow of myself and I was just so anxious whenever I was with my friends

I think this episode has solidified the fact that I have panic or anxiety disorder

I think it came from childhood

A couple of episodes where I was stuck in the mountains sick and my parents chose to wait it out instead of get help

And I was kind of scared out of my mind lol

But I think health problems really trigger me

Also within episodes there’s always a trigger for the panic to set in

Again and again, some event that happens in a day recurring that will hit you potentially with another panic attack

In high school it was showering, rn it’s eating meals

Just afraid of the worst and it traps me and I can’t get out of that spiraling mindset especially if there are new symptoms

The whole thing is a wake up call

It’s like how you have fun until someone gets hurt, then everything’s like spoiled right lol

Just gotta believe you’ll wake up better

Our bodies are hella resilient – if I’m not dead I’m alive man l

Mom has been amazing, this week has made me super existential and I appreciate her so much and love her SO much

Honestly feel safest with her and she is absolutely my rock

She is the homiest home to me, especially when we’re just sitting watching Japanese TV lol

Also did a video shoot today and really enjoyed it

Having a video camera on you all the time will make you feel like a god

And I’m sure fuck your head right up too it’s hard to be humble when people are just staring at you because they are wondering why you have a camera on you and whether or not you’re famous

Was a lot of fun just to do that for a sec though

I’ll get back to speed, I hope I get fully healthy soon

The anxiety is just debilitating Rn

As is the body symptoms and problems but

Gotta keep breathing fire 🔥

Perforation

Tough day man

Work is tough, stressful as I’m not too sure on the direction

I’m leading the project but it’s a tough design challenge

And I’m trying my best to lead the designer

But I’m not sure what the best solution UI/UX wise is either

Was scared out of my mind today

Don’t want that to ever happen again

Just hoping things will be okay

Feels like that eclipse eye day

Where I just feel like I’m losing it from time to time

Still feeling discomfort but we’ll see how I feel tmr

Got to play ball today- I’m still not good

I can’t create space midrange – my footwork is terrible

My steps are not in rhythm with my dribbling

My threes are fine

I was in the heat and sun and today ended up just like getting full on rashes

Neck chest and dots on legs and arms

The dots I’ve gotten before but not the others

I just hope I’m okay physically

But there are just so many projects going on

Things were in a lull for a while but now they’ve ramped up big time

Met with VC’s today and realized man

People are not technical at all

I am so technically minded compared with a lot of these people who are funding tech and talking about tech it is just funny

Idk when the last time I wrote was honestly

Been doing alright for the most part and getting more in a groove – just had a bad day

Closer to Hannah again and I feel nice about it bc we like weathered a storm

Not talking to Sharon and I feel kind of bad and I don’t know how to make it up as a friend- I do feel bad

Still swiping around on dating apps and getting more matches – like 1 or 2 a day?

Got rid of a photo of myself topless and instantly got more matches haha and good ones too! (Unless I’m getting catfished)

Going to rest now, hope I’m physically better tmr and my work is also better tomorrow

Praying for God to look over me for sure io

in this time of need

A Beautiful Life

FOMO fucks

The thing with FOMO that really sucks

Is it’s like systemic racism

It fucks the ones that are vulnerable the most

It’s like it doesn’t give a shit if you’re down and lonely and not in a good spot in life

It’ll get you especially if you’re there

I’m doing relatively okay I just cried a ton

I think people rarely get this emotion out because honestly it’s so hard to access

I had no idea I had that much in me just bundled up

I just had to think about the right thing and it just all poured out

Yesterday was such a bad day

I was in the apartment where I quarantined, alone, and I think a bunch of bad memories just popped up

I’ve also just been terrible with my sleep and all so

I was like sleeping an hour or so every three hours which is fucked

And I couldn’t bring myself to leave the house

Felt like I had no people to go to

Just anxious- more than I’ve ever been

Actually- I have felt this anxious socially before

I feel like socially I’m just not there

That’s the thing with FOMO

For the people that are social- things just roll I feel like

They make it to events and have friends from that, so they feel fine

And honestly that’s the key

Just fucking go out

I felt like I couldn’t go out yesterday bc I was nervous I couldn’t back into a tight parking space

I just felt like I couldn’t go anywhere

Especially because the last time I was in this city and the last time I was driving I hit someone

Just not a great situation

Today I spent a lot of time with a best friend

He’s great- again- the only one that reads this blog

Hello again

And I’m super grateful that he also happened to be back in this city visiting family

Always feel super welcomed at his place, with his family

Something that I’ve lacked in my life is just family just chilling together and I really appreciate getting to share time with his

I got a 3 dollar haircut

It wasn’t very good

Went to the breakfast shop too before that

He rebounded for me when I shot around and we talked about his new job and living situation and all

My shots better- first time on the court in like two weeks

My triceps are sore but nothing else, and I felt good- was making shots

Was dribbling better than I ever have

My legs are just so much stronger I can do want I want – everything is stronger honestly

I really needed someone to just give me company

And also just be there for me- especially to practice backing into spots

And not judge me

I felt like I was honestly asking for a favor for him to help me practice this but he didn’t mind at all

And I appreciate that so much

Validation when I needed it for sure – I was in such a bad spot yesterday bc of anxiety over this

And I feel more confident about backing in for sure after today

Went to hang out with my favorite kids

Some of them are not kids anymore

Bought some Pokémon cards for Russell, who just turned 7 years old and he loved them

The other boys are all just older

One of them is almost as tall as me now

They’re changing a bit

I still just love rey and his quirkiness – I see a bit of myself in each of them but

Rey and I share this like weirdness – he’s like me in a way that not a lot of people are like

He was on the computer and I asked him what he was doing

And he was like “I’m reading a friends story and helping him edit it”

Kids in like fourth grade

He’s different man – bright

lil baby girl is growing up too- she can say my name now and ask for help haha

Amazing to see them grow each time I go over

Honestly my favorite thing in the world almost

To just spend time with them

Took them to 7-11 to get food and ice cream

Got some tempura stuff and Rey did too and the soup was JUST the right temperature

And we were both like yeah dude that’s like not too cold not too hot like just drinkable and man just

Love these kids so much

Would do anything for them honestly

Then I went home and watched a movie with dad

I think the movie opened things up for me

That’s why I love movies

There’s an amazing one shot in the movie it’s like 5 minutes long

The movies about just a relationship – it’s kinda cheesy and predictable and kinda ridiculous at times

But also pretty realistic in portraying feelings and it just made me remember what a relationship and love was like

I’ve been really numb

Numbed out by weed

I think I had a lot of pain when I had to split off with Lara

I cared about her so much – she gave me so much joy and validation

Like I said – it was in the little things she did

But when things ended I think I just burnt my mind out

Now I’m more sober than I have been in like 2 years

That movie brought back feelings, so did thinking about Lara and the pandemic and the loss of college- just acknowledging those thoughts

I bawled man

These girls that have come after

I don’t know how I feel about them at all because I feel like I have still been fundamentally stuck at Lara

And I have to say it because I feel it

The pandemic and the closure of school has also just dug a hole in my heart

Shattered my world man

I’m still reeling

My life is like on pause I just still can’t process why I’m doing all this now

Everything post COVID seems like a compensation

And I hate it I hate it so much – I miss my life before because I was actually feeling happy for the first time in a LONG time

Miss my dad- hope I get to spend more time with him before I leave

FOMO from entrepreneur twitter

And Instagram stories and photos of people

I just need to get back to being myself

And hold the line

Game 7, 30 Pts

Kind of a tough day

I’m back down in Taichung

With daddo

It’s been weird – a weird two days

Because it doesn’t feel like that I feel like I haven’t been here at all

I have a headache

It hasn’t been a great day

I originally came down – or made plans- because I had the intention of meeting up with a girl here

I wanted to, but that was the extent of the plan haha

But now I’m just here

Work is stressful

Working across time zones, and entirely remotely is stressful

Boss man is very wise and sometimes makes me feel like I know nothing

Which is good

Which is what I asked for and the situation I put myself in

But I think there can be more organization

I want to be able to voice my opinion more

I don’t know if I can just be honest all the time

Which is kind of tough – it’s part like I don’t want to say anything honest but super ignorant

I also don’t have a full time offer yet! So

I don’t know

I have a headache

Been reading three body problem

Trippy, and a bit chilling

My legs are getting stronger

Transforming I’m excited I’m now like excited to go work out and stuff

I have a headache

I feel like I’m constantly just staring at my phone

Find myself more nauseated at it than ever

Nauseated 🤢

I hate it

I’m just CONSTANTLY on a digital device

I want to go out and do things!

Hike! Live! Love!

Things with Sharon is tough

I didn’t need a commitment, and she was calling and messaging

It’s not like I don’t care it’s I don’t know

I don’t know!

I am still addicted to porn

I think I was getting off of it and then Sharon activated something haha

I think i was on an upward trajectory before that

Truly- you can look back

Whenever I get self control over it I am clear headed and feeling good

I’ll get back to it

Work is hard now but

It’ll get better this is just the beginning

Read an article by Reggie

About how sounds are more visceral than vision

And I agree

When I heard the crash today man I don’t think I’ll forget it

Screeching for a while just metal crunching

Then just a horn

Just a horn

I have a headache