Last Day with Ama

Sometimes you go through a day that you know will be significant to you for years to come

Because after you are done with it you feel this special type of nostalgia

Or maybe it’s just nostalgia

It just hits like right away

I’ve never experienced this much family before in my life

I’ve longed for it

And today I got so much of it

Couldn’t sleep last night, mother was doing flowers for ama

Mom wanted there to be baby’s breath mixed with the roses

And she was writing a little message to those

I hadn’t been in the apartment I grew up in in a while

Everything seemed small

And it felt a bit uncomfortable

I had the thought actually that i think it is wild that my mom got to raise me as a kid

Now that I know more about the world

But she loves me lots, got me the fluffiest blanket ha

Couldn’t sleep even after 2 melatonin – probs slept like 3 hours

Woke up and we headed over with AHinga to the mortuary

I had been fine all week, mostly kind of high

But when I saw the hall with the sign with AMA’s name I just started crying

Met up with my cousins and they brought ama out

Cold but still there

My dad sang for her, I recorded it bc I wanted to remember him doing this for ama

Mom said some words

Just tears streaming

This student that lived at AMA’s place also told his story of how ama used to house students and was super caring

Then we had to give out gifts and then flowers

For each person to place on her chest

And I think this was one of the worst things all day I felt so sad

You put the rose on Ama and then you gave your condolences to the family

I was near the last to do it and that was the last goodbye before they closed her coffin

Then I held her picture as we wheeled her downstairs to the cremation room

I was so tired but I remember every moment

Mom said it would be our last day with her on earth with us, and that was all I was thinking – the last minutes seconds with her

Took a break after we watched her go into the fire, it took almost 2 hours

Talked to the students son about his bug collection and how he works for outward bound and his homeschooling

Then was called to pick up the bones and put it into her urn

After all of it was swept up- and we put her skull in first when it was supposed to be her feet – sorry ama

They put her in a bag that I could strap around my neck

My aunt said she had a flashback of when ama had me slung on her back and now i had her on me

Rode dads car to our family cemetery, an hour’s drive on this mountain by the seaside

Holding ama

When we got there the view was amazing

And we sang hymns with her, everyone walked up and gave final rose petals touched the urn

And then a cousin gave the urn to me, and I walked her into the family tomb house

I felt really sad

Just the peak was here

I was the one to bring her in, and I am grateful for that, I hope I will do her well

I loved her very very much

We drove back and I was sleeping most of the way, exhausted

When we got back I chatted with my dad about how I think about

School – and how I don’t know if I should do this masters in finance in Singapore

Work – and how I have working theories on our decline and maybe I should stay to try and save the place

Life – and how Alison is such a great partner and girlfriend

Then drove home and honestly I’ve just been tired since now

But just super long day

I talked about what I did up above

But actually defined the day was everyone around me

Seeing people that loved ama

My huge extended family

My cousins

The student tenant

My mom and her aunts

And just being there

Etched in my memory forever

I love you ama

Your golden turtle boy

Golden Turtle Son

My eyes are burning my head hurts

Ama left today

I woke up too late, and just messaged my manager that I would take the morning off when mom messaged me that ama passed

I started crying but there wasn’t sadness but I just kept crying

Rushed over on an Uber, packed clothes for a night just in case mom wanted me to stay with her

Whirlwind

Not really knowing what to expect

I get there and the police and ambulance people have already been there

Before I walk in I hear our caretaker crying and saying that Ama smiled at her today

She’s only been with us for 2 months but

Her genuine love for grandma really hit me today

Ama was just there, sitting in her seat like always

But her bottom lip was hanging loose and her eyelids glazed shut

Mom said everything was good for her to go, but she just wanted a bit more time with her

The pastor came and prayed but it was a bit awkward

And we changed her clothes into nicer clothes

Eventually they moved her into her bed

Where she lay like she was asleep

For the last time

What really makes me sad is that fact

It all happened so fast and suddenly

I have been going to visit her almost every weekend for the 3 years that I’ve been back

And today, all of a sudden, she’s just needing to not just die but leave our home

I don’t even pack up to leave the country so suddenly

And it was all so procedural

Some people came to write her death certificate

I am mostly at peace because

My girlfriend Alison got to come and see her and hold her hand a couple of weeks ago

Ama has never really met a girlfriend of mine recently, not since high school, which was when I really had one anyways

Dad also came to see her and dance for her like 5 days ago

And we got a family photo together with her

And she went outside to a restaurant to eat where our caretaker wanted last night

She was walking today

I think maybe her heart just stopped pumping or too much phlegm

I love her the most

I’m happy that she is gone, because it was becoming a drag on everyone I think just

More anxiety than anything but

I love her the most

Am pretty devastated

Mom sang hymns for her on her bed and then the people came to pick her up

And that was the hardest part

Aunty Debbie and mom just had to

Say goodbye

The caretaker too

And they bagged the body up and that was like the last minute we had with her

Then we got in the hearse mom and I and we drove to the funeral home

And driving across the bridge away from our neighborhood was so hard

She isn’t coming back

We were just sending her away, for good

When we got there we got to see her one last time

I need to rest because the rest of the day I’ve just been in a daze

But I’m glad I was here

That was why I stayed, and this allows me to leave

But I am so sad so so sad