Severence

I have not written in a really long time

I might start again, it roots me

I’ve been so focused on work

But have I been focused? Or have I been trying to forget

Why did I stop writing? It had to be partly because I didn’t want to remember

It’s 2 years since COVID hit

Google photos memories did well, it pulled up pictures of Lara, Daniel, Ping and I getting Canes

Happy

No masks, high, feeling good and fit

I hated what was going on then but

My mental state was in such a better place

I think? Like my body felt good because it was strong

Physical health comes first honestly – if I’m physically fit and healthy I am fine

I got pulled back to earth and my previous self because

LinkedIn – it tells you who has been searching you up

On the one I got today, it was obviously Lara- two of the orgs she was part of were in the list of “where your searchers come from”

When you realize someone else thought of you

When you weren’t thinking about them or when you thought they stopped thinking about you

Fucks you up

I have truly forgotten

I’ve been so much into my work life here

My life here has just been work, get home, watch TV, jack off, maybe read, maybe draw, maybe try and make music

That’s fucking it

Not much of a social life

What are you doing this weekend? Nothing

Sure I’ve been trying to get better with a lot of my shit

I’m cooking each week, I’m cutting down on the porn- once every two days is honestly huge

My Chinese is definitely getting better, confidence in working is too

But fuck am I happy?

I want a raise

When have I wanted a raise? That’s not my purpose

And all this you know what this traces back to? My leg

If my fucking leg was good, I would be shooting back to America

But I need to be physically right before I get back

And my leg is fucked

Need to sleep but

Cried man

I looked at Lara and I’s old texts

She wasn’t the best sometimes for sure, she was definitely toxic

It was hard for her to dig into her true feelings I had no idea which words to trust sometimes

But I think we loved each other

And we had each other during a fucked up time

I also loved the version of myself that she loved

I think she liked the version of her that I loved too

The loss of that relationship has left a gash in me man

I don’t want a relationship with anyone because I am not who I want to be

Fuck this journey is difficult 😞

I miss who I was then

I miss being that person and having her like that person

I miss hanging out with her and just having fun

I don’t know when the last time I was actually having fun and not just passing time

To be completely fucking goddamn honest