I have not written in a really long time
I might start again, it roots me
I’ve been so focused on work
But have I been focused? Or have I been trying to forget
Why did I stop writing? It had to be partly because I didn’t want to remember
It’s 2 years since COVID hit
Google photos memories did well, it pulled up pictures of Lara, Daniel, Ping and I getting Canes
Happy
No masks, high, feeling good and fit
I hated what was going on then but
My mental state was in such a better place
I think? Like my body felt good because it was strong
Physical health comes first honestly – if I’m physically fit and healthy I am fine
I got pulled back to earth and my previous self because
LinkedIn – it tells you who has been searching you up
On the one I got today, it was obviously Lara- two of the orgs she was part of were in the list of “where your searchers come from”
When you realize someone else thought of you
When you weren’t thinking about them or when you thought they stopped thinking about you
Fucks you up
I have truly forgotten
I’ve been so much into my work life here
My life here has just been work, get home, watch TV, jack off, maybe read, maybe draw, maybe try and make music
That’s fucking it
Not much of a social life
What are you doing this weekend? Nothing
Sure I’ve been trying to get better with a lot of my shit
I’m cooking each week, I’m cutting down on the porn- once every two days is honestly huge
My Chinese is definitely getting better, confidence in working is too
But fuck am I happy?
I want a raise
When have I wanted a raise? That’s not my purpose
And all this you know what this traces back to? My leg
If my fucking leg was good, I would be shooting back to America
But I need to be physically right before I get back
And my leg is fucked
Need to sleep but
Cried man
I looked at Lara and I’s old texts
She wasn’t the best sometimes for sure, she was definitely toxic
It was hard for her to dig into her true feelings I had no idea which words to trust sometimes
But I think we loved each other
And we had each other during a fucked up time
I also loved the version of myself that she loved
I think she liked the version of her that I loved too
The loss of that relationship has left a gash in me man
I don’t want a relationship with anyone because I am not who I want to be
Fuck this journey is difficult 😞
I miss who I was then
I miss being that person and having her like that person
I miss hanging out with her and just having fun
I don’t know when the last time I was actually having fun and not just passing time
To be completely fucking goddamn honest