august friends

Oof man, coming back to the homeland has been hard

I feel like I’m gradually doing better and better but it’s like a jagged upwards trajectory

Had two large arguments with my mom

I feel bad – she is bad with remembering names and places and a lot of things honestly

Details that she doesn’t need to remember

And I can’t stand that- I get on her for it

I have to temper my temper and ego

But when I’m in a bad mood and things aren’t going well, it’s hard to not yell

I yell! And I hate it- but I really felt like she wasn’t understanding me

My throat hurt the day after, and then I yelled again and was so upset

So upset

I think I was frustrated

At how I started my morning- I watched some basketball games that didn’t mean anything

And I’ve also been back into my porn addiction

When I’m sad or down that’s just what I turn to

Trusty instant dopamine hit – drug that is released from within dont need to buy or get anything for it

And I’ve hated that

I haven’t watched anything today

I’ve been trying to be able to say that for weeks and haven’t been able to

Use it as a crutch and I hate it, but I need to get back on straightening that out from my life

It’s mostly because I’m emotionally just blowing in the wind

I still miss Lara- I straight up dreamed about her the other day

Just hanging out with her I think, having fun

I know there were bad parts to her and I remember that too, but I dunno

I’ve been seeing Hannah as more than a friend

And I swear she’s given me more than enough grounds to do so

Talking to me about visits, complementing me on my photos, letting me call her names

Texting more than enough everyday and updating each other daily

But she insists it’s just nothing now and honestly I’m fine with that

I do like her in some way but I don’t know if it’s romantic or platonic this shit is weird

It’s almost like I like certain aspects of her but can’t stand others

It’s tough- I don’t think she feels her feelings – that’s my assumption right

But I can’t judge bc she’s going through a lot in life right now

She’s independent- almost too much so as in she just insists on not needing anyone and closing up

I gotta put myself first and if I can’t deal with that just step out though

So we had a talk about it- I think things will change I think how I see her will change

I think I’m moving on

I just like companionship

And I think she does too however much she doesn’t admit

Who doesn’t no?

I’m fine with a relationship that’s just a bit transactionary too

Apparently that’s not a word it’s been pissing me off

Like I don’t really care that much if we’re both using each other just for attention and companionship bc I do need that

Don’t really mind if it isn’t the best fit nor is there potential for anything more

I think I just enjoy having someone

Or rather maybe I can’t stand having no one to daily update?

Bc then who the fuck am I

A ghost lol

I’m meeting people in Taipei, slowly

Making baby steps to learn, reading

Learning new Chinese words like the word for counseling today

Good to spend time with my family, especially Ama

It poured yesterday and there was an earthquake

Oh shit I watched Love on the Spectrum with mama

I really enjoyed it

I felt my feelings for the first time in a while

Just watching people on the spectrum try to find love and love people for the simplest things

Yet we bicker and whine and are picky as fuck

Spoiled honestly!

I want to feel just that simple love you know

Terrace house tonight, had a guy and a girl go on a date and you could tell they are kinda falling for each other

Propped the laptop up and she had her head on his shoulder while they watched something

But it was tentative lol she was still being careful and I think that was cute

Just the initial stages I miss that

And I truly did feel that with Lara, that night where we just were on the deck for hours

Just getting high, sharing a blanket, and talking about nothing

I think we might have talked about Alabama and Dixie Wonderland

I would give quite a lot just to be back on that deck on one of those nights

Damn

Chicken Gizzards TMF

Been in Taichung

Came down to talk to some rising seniors about college apps and shit

They liked me

I could see myself being a counselor at an international high school in a couple of decades lol

I’m chilling Rn man

Feel better now

Less stress over Fondue bc I feel like we’re structured better

Instead of oh shit I have no idea what to build bc I don’t know what people want

I think it’s hard to know what to do as a manager or first time entrepreneur

You use your time on stupid shit

Like posting about your stuff on different boards or trying to submit your idea to different competitions and shit

But once you kinda get into the “I have these assumptions and my job is to derisk our project by talking or testing with humans” mode

Then you kinda just have stuff to do

You also gotta keep your engineers productive not by lecturing and prodding

But by creating a good supportive environment

Giving them tools and the right space

Actually honestly doing this shit has helped me learn a TON!

I’m glad, but as I go back into recruiting I’m still not sure I’ll get that job

But hell am I going to try my best

I need an internet presence

I’ll get more active on LinkedIn and shit, planning to post every week or something

Talked to a lot of old faculty and friends

Good to be back in Taichung at my old HS

Feels good to be part of a community

Some kid, a lil brother of my classmate, came up to me and introduced himself to me today

Oh shit oh yeah so

I have no idea if I mentioned this

I probably did right

I dunno short term memory I don’t even know what I did last night

Oh I had a headache and my dad did this GUASHA Asian thing for me

Rubbed my back with a spoon and some spicy ointment

I had a wild headache was just walking around in the sun, played some ball

I can shoot threes sometimes, but not enough for people to guard me

Haven’t been regularly practicing on the court

Just working out and getting my body stronger

My legs feel stronger- not in terms of vert but just mobility

I asked my great friend and counselor today about my sitch with Hannah

And she told me to be good friends

Figure myself out, and be good friends in the meantime

I think that’s good

I think the startup program is giving me structure and the goals are helping

I also think I might be high functioning ADHD

More on that some other day, but I think I need to put in an effort to fight it

If I really want to be productive- I find myself not being able to work

I need to give myself like little bite sized jobs and tasks

Tech helps!

Refreshing couple of days in the south, ready to keep working and get back to the north

TIGERTAIL

Went to the beach over the weekend

Got a jersey tan

Not terrible but I literally got the burn in like 20 min of riding an electric scooter

Mine was so slow

Stuck at like 35 km an hour I hated that haha

More or less though I’m feeling better about things

I think the key is telling yourself you’re doing fine

Like comparatively to a lot of things you’re doing fine

Of course, compared to the brightest young professionals that you watch all day on your Twitter feed, you are doing terribly

But that’s not who you are right now

Can be what you strive to become in some time

But take your damn time

You don’t have what they have, whatever they happen to serendipitously have

Just keep doing you

And doing what you believe is you

And you’ll get to the same place

The trip was weird I felt like my best friend was in this power thing with me

I felt like I was genuinely being gaslighted at times

I would point some cool shit out and just get kinda brushed off

And that kinda hurt felt disrespected

They think I’m irresponsible

Which is yes!! I am still very irresponsible

But I’ve been genuinely working to get better

I’m doing better I think- some stability in adjusting to my surroundings and settling in is helping

I’m consistently waking up earlier, at least up by latest 10

Optimally 9 – I’m also making my bed and creating daily checklists

So I am feeling not bad

Hannah hasn’t replied my messages in an entire day

First day where we haven’t both exchanged something in a while

I think I have some form of love for her

As in that I don’t feel like it matters to me whether or not she replies

I get that she’s caught up in her stuff

I also feel like if she just doesn’t want to reply and sees me as something that is too much for her to deal with right now

That’s good for her- I rather not bother her or end up taking up her time

I do believe that people need to be independent

Do I wish she would talk to me more and communicate and tell me what’s on her mind?

Hell to the fuck yes lmao

I think she’s decided that I’m just a friend but it’s still confusing because she still wants me to visit

She’s also going through the most stuff right now

And I also want to just afford her the benefit of the doubt and let her have time and space without questioning her

I miss her and wish she would respond but I also completely am okay with her taking space

Truly! Might sound dichotomous and impossible, but that’s how I feel like I have some form of love for her

Love is that quantum two states at once pain but joy type of thing you know

Had my hair and makeup done for a headshot today

The program here is good- there’s got. To be a reason I am here in the homeland

The land of boba

To learn and meet people and sharpen my chinese (I learned the word for data today)

God gave me what I can handle

Been wearing this chain with a cross

Grandma gave it to me when I was a born

I love it it has my name on the back too

I had a good trip just was in this power struggle and had a weird talk with my friend

About thinking about cutting friends out of my life because it was just time

But yes, I think mainly I just have to stop being so rushed and feeling like I need to put this pressure on myself to be this now

Social media fucks me up

LinkedIn and Twitter is like JESUS!! Everyone is successful!

And if they aren’t they’re getting likes for being unsuccessful!!

I’m going to start posting because I feel like that’ll make me feel better

If you’re ever an insider looking in and feeling the FOMO

Step the fuck in you dumbass haha

Teaching English

Had a couple of days where I felt like I was getting my mojo back

In my head, I always say “getting my mojo back”

But I’ve never really said it out loud because I think it sounds stupid haha

I just say I’m getting back to it or some shit like that

Today I slipped a bit

Life has been just really normal

Like yesterday I spent most of it just at my AMA’s place

Subway Italian BMT, Parmesan oregano, every veggie but onions, extra pickles and olives, some shredded cheese, toasted, one line of ranch and some olive oil, as usual

A full body massage while my entire body was sore from workouts

I think I’ve never been that sore in my life – getting my calves kneaded out was insane

And then just Terrace House at night

I’ve been struggling to recreate home and feel at home

Even at home

Strange huh- I felt like February was the most homey I felt

I thought back and I was having fun with a girl, I had friends at my dorm, I was part of a community

We was just smoking on the deck and playing music all the time, I was learning stuff, I loved my room too with that light by my bed, I was working out also

That was probably a peak haha man

Shits just been overwhelming since then

Wave after wave and I’m just kinda drowning

COVID in America then moving back quarantine then I got into that small accident

Then today I completely messed up and missed my first meeting with the startup organization

Thought it was at 4PM but it was at 2

I felt terrible!

I’m always bad at starting new things, and I just felt so bad that I dropped the ball again

I told my mom it’s like I’m juggling right

Juggling too many things

And I just know that I’ve thrown something a while ago that I know I’ve forgotten about

And I’m only going to notice when it drops

I had this discussion with my mom over how she just doesn’t actively lesson

Been having a lot of discussions

Had one with my aunt too about how you shouldn’t be too afraid about life

Told my mom about a recurring dream I have

Of getting a role in a musical but noticing the day of that I was in it and I forgot about it and I didn’t know the lines

Just panic and helplessness

That’s how I felt today

Caught with my pants down man felt bad

I’m in the stage of life where I’m figuring out my look

Got a haircut with a decent fade ish type style

And my shirts are fitting much better bc I’ve gotten bigger

I feel like I have more options

Kinda want to try and get some designer shirts and stuff but just can’t stand using money!

Need a new necklace

Going to get my mojo back

Just you wait motherfuckers just you wait

Oh, and Hannah called yesterday late for her

And told me she was happy and that she really liked me

And she was happy to have me

Obviously it felt good to hear and inside I feel like I feel a level closer to her

For some reason yesterday was like I realized that I was close to her

But it was nice to hear- I still don’t know how she feels though

We’ll see I guess- I have to straighten out my own life first though

Shohei

I’m going to be honest, not much as happened for me to be writing something today

Just feeling alone and wanting to write something anyways

Spending time with my grandmother

I enjoy it even though she just stands and looks

She tells me she loves me in English, and if I don’t respond and tell her I love her back she’ll keep saying it but more worried each time

I talked to my Aunt today

I just call her Ai because she’s like the closest one to me

I rarely get to talk to her but she’s one of the closest people that I feel open to

She loves me so much and I love her too

Family really does hit different

I’d forgotten what it felt like I think, being away for so long

I hope I find a job

I don’t want to go to the states and just be homeless and jobless

I haven’t been too optimistic lately

My dreams are slipping a bit

I’m starting to see a life where I settle

And ask myself what’s the point?

The people that change the world are privileged and few

But I have to keep telling myself that there isn’t one way

If I am myself and I stick to my values long enough, I’ll get there

I’ve been struggling, but I felt happy today

Watched Terrace House with my best mate Matt

We use Netflix Party

Watched an episode where the dude is eating McDonalds and we were both like FUCK LETS GET MCDONALDS

So after that episode, before we started a new one, we both set out to our respective neighborhood McDonald’s

I got to mine and the cash registers weren’t working

So I sat there for a like 10 minutes and came back with no McDonalds

I got some kimchi ramen instead, and my mother cooked it up with some lettuce and beef

She always makes the ramen lighter flavored than it should be haha

She loves me so much too

I told her I wanted to set up our balcony to be cozy and all

With lights and a foldable chair and stuff, and she just automatically started looking for the shit by herself

It’s too much imo, I need space to do my own thing and fend for myself

But she loves to do things for me

Strange point of contention huh? Love is hard to understand

I just watched this clip of this show Red Table Talk on Facebook Watch

Where Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith get together and discuss Jada’s affair

And the tough times they’ve gone through

And unconditional love

They fist pound to “live together die together, BAD MARRIAGE!!”

They’ve definitely done acid together

I can’t tell if they’re enlightened or not, because I feel them

Obviously not to the same degree, but they were talking about how those types of relationships are “forged in fire”

And I totally agree- you can unconditionally love someone if some absurd conditions don’t come in between you guys

I feel like I can do that

All the comments were like oh but look at Will Smith’s face – that’s pain

CRINGE

They don’t get it – how two people could go through that and still love each other

The thing is love isn’t about that- love has no bounds inherently

Love has no bounds, so technically who you can love has no bounds

The other thing is, love and pain aren’t mutually exclusive

I’m sure will Smith was going through pain and still is going through pain

But I still do also completely believe that they love each other

True unconditional love is a bittersweet thing

Because it’s not worth leaving each other for

Because you aren’t going to look anyone else in the eye and see their soul inside and out, exposed and naked, quivering but standing still

And you realize nothing else is really worth that

Intimacy of the mind and the soul is something eternal we feel as humans

Eternal and human are incongruent, and that’s what creates the pain- we cannot properly digest and resolve with ourselves what it

Truly means to unconditionally love someone

I believe them because they chose to do the unconventional thing

I believe that when you do the unconventional thing and keep the faith

You reach that paradox of love, the eternal that cannot be fully experienced

But does represent the literal meaning of life

I’m not going to lie, it definitely dulls your feelings out

You might not be as in love with anything anymore- you can tell that being in love is trivial to them

They’re tired and they’re weary, but I do believe they hold that eternal love for each other

At some point we truly just get existential and realize that in our short lives

If we can find something eternal in someone else

That’s the most fulfilling and beautiful thing

To feel eternal whilst knowing you are not

The ultimate validation of a mortal being

God is Love

Whey Protein Powder

It’s been a weird couple of days

A turning point of sorts it seems

There comes points in life where you gotta cut your existing harnesses

And strap onto new ones

Your new paraglider taking you into foreign lands on foreign winds

I have yet hacked through the current ropes that pull me around

Still carried by the currents of the past couple of months

Still trying to untangle myself from the months of COVID

To figure out how life is so normal now

This island that is an oasis of sorts

From the stress of the world

I feel like I am living a dream as I walk around people – too many people

In subway stations, where masks are still mandatory, I feel the mark of what is really at stake

The lurking fear that is masked by the masks

Covered up and largely ignored

How am I supposed to just live normally if nothing is normal outside of this little oasis

I don’t often notice the harnesses pulling me down

Each rope I find new whenever it lurches me in a new direction

One that has stayed constantly pulling is this girl

I want to be free and I feel like she does too

But I am scared of being lonely – who the fuck isn’t?

She’s also different- complicated

Unraveling and unwrapping her own set of ropes that tie her here and there

If we just get tangled we get tangled more and more no?

Or the question is can we help each other

The famous proverb tells me I got a goddamn PLANK in my own eye right now

I think I am dependent on terrace house

It calms me

I think i latched onto it in a time of need, and now it’s just comforting

Had a conversation about friends today

My grandma is losing her faculties

She can’t really reliably say that she is my grandma, she mixes up the names of her daughters

She can’t correct herself anymore

I love her and she lets me borrow her massage chair

Tells me she will find a wife for me

“You’re 22 right? I’ll find you someone beautiful”

“2 years older is okay right?”

I am spending more time with family and it is tough

Talked to my mom about religion and weed haha

I told her that to be completely honest, if I had stuck to church and a religious lifestyle I would be pretty depressed

And weed has honestly helped me find a lot of happiness within myself

And a community

I think a community is most important

And enjoying music together

God I miss smoking on the sundeck with friends

I have unresolved feelings

I feel like I have unresolved feelings for Lara

She was with me for such a critical moment in the quarantine

She validated me in ways no one else had before

And the way that she would look at me

It’s just seared into my mind

Jesus

Writing this blog post has just completely made me melt down

Just in bed crying man

I’ve been crying a lot

I was just having so much fun in school

I had got to a point where I had friends and this girl that I really, really enjoyed

Clumsy little thing but she gave me so much joy

Obviously I gloss over the bad bits right and it’s easy to forget what went wrong

But I genuinely miss her

I feel bad about this girl now, as I don’t feel like my soul is in it

My soul is still at my dorm, in my single

On that sundeck, with that community, with those people

I know I have to move on, but I have just been compensating

Fondue, all the work that I’ve done since, maybe even the people I’ve met

Just to compensate the feeling I had at school

For once at that school I genuinely felt at home

Home

Like I belonged

Ensconced

Heat Wave, Glass Animals- Safe and Sound – Redbone

Sorry Jesús I just fuck

Just started remembering you know when you start remembering

How COVID derailed my last days at school – every moment is so seared into my mind

It’s awfully nostalgic though

It was so apocalyptic I think I can’t forget

I’ve been under this blanket of almost grief

I felt today walking out of the subway, Jump by Van Halen playing

I felt a bit happy, smiled on the streets to myself

Like I was rounding that corner

There’s shit to resolve – like Lara

But I think i can round the corner

Turbulence Control

Today I got into a car accident

Was waiting for a light

And daydreaming basically

Heard of this prospect of a job in NYC at a growing company

Just less than 15, and doing really exciting stuff

Art with tech with social experiments

A fellow alum is part of the small team too

But it just seems perfect and I was thinking like how can I just get this job

Wouldn’t it be fucking great if I did?

Looked down on my arms and noticed that I had stretch marks close to my biceps

Which I thought was a bit funny like I guess right? lol but didn’t expect that

Yesterday was Independence Day

Had a great meal at a great friend’s family’s house

That friend happens to be the only one one who reads this blog

So it goes

Enjoyed the food, his dad told me to watch out for bugs in my corn

Some other family was there and burning blowfish fins and putting it in sake

Just Asian things

Watched THE FLOOR IS LAVA

Corny ass show with corny ass Americans but still funny lmao like trash food for brain and eyes

Had a good workout too- starting sissy squats and tried Nordic

Could not do Nordic, but I’ll work my way up

Trying to get them bulletproof legs, the ATG way

Knees before toes baby

feeling better with my shot, I’m practicing hesis and my footwork

Fakes, side steps into shots, triple threat stuff

Going to get a lot stronger and better these next few months I fucking swear

I have been having a couple of tough days though

Partly because I’m stressed fondue isn’t going anywhere

And it’s the only thing to my name right

But also because of this job shit

And the girl- i am just so unsure about this girl!

Talked about this with my friend today- her externalities as in like not how I feel about her but her other factors

All kinda line up

It’s just some things don’t match up like communication I think and maybe humor?

But she says she misses me and my voice and she opens up like she hasn’t ever with anyone

Relationships Jesús watch me still be writing about this in 10 fucking years

I can’t really sleep

Things are just wack, but I’m going back to the big city tomorrow

There then I’ll really straighten out I think

It’ll be where I’ll be for a solid chunk of time

Stability

Finally stability

After fucking months of COVID in America

The lockdown, the fear of getting it, the reopening

The multiple apartments and roommates, two relationships, the trip back

My two week quarantine, one fucking solar eclipse, and these couple of weeks of just getting used to normal life

Finally I’ll be in a place where I can settle down more

Where I won’t have to make a temporary home, as it’ll be more like just

Home

I made a guide on Notion

Turbulence Control

With steps and lil tips for when I am down and feeling shitty – built from my past experiences

To set me back upright when I tip over

So I hit someone today

Was daydreaming, all the accumulated stress put me in this dazed state

I was driving to school with some American candy to give my kids

The kids I always see when I’m back

I step on the gas and hit the motorcycle, the guy bucks over like he’s on a rodeo bull ride

The motorcycle lurches forward and scrapes the Lexus in front

Fuck me right I was just like wtf did I just do I just got into an accident? Me?

I don’t even know if I’m allowed to legally drive here that’s what I was worried about

Worried about getting in an accident and them finding out and now I’m in an accident?

Everything was fine

I was shaken up but Lmaooo I didn’t cry or anything Called my parents

Police came and really nicely sorted it out

The guys were pretty chill (the guy I hit did seem like he wanted to fight right after I hit him though)

Some kid was practicing his saxophone

The guy in the Lexus was super nice, smiled at me a lot, had a cute dog that liked me

I was stressed as fuck but this dog was like leaping on me, the guy’s like “do you have a dog? My dog likes you”

I’m thinking “ I just hit a motorcycle that hit your car should I really pet your dog and smile at it like I usually would”

Weird day, night market later

Had a good discussion about racism in the state’s and the current state of things

Cancel culture and cancelling cancel culture and cancelling canceling cancel culture

Strange times

Talked about the existence of hell and whether or not people can live knowing that people around them will burn in hell

(I thought yes because people have earthly things to think about)

I’m tired now

And traveling to a different city tomorrow

And meeting some startup founders

I hope it goes well, I’m going to tell them it’s my first time so they go gentle on me

Kids if you’re reading this I hope you’re learning that I’m more like you than not

And can empathize with what you’re going through

The confusion and stress of instability

You got it just

Go on Notion

Create a page

And list all the things you need to feel like you’re you and love about you

Everything will fall into place

Hold the fucking line

MSCHF managed / PISTON

Lonely, like life isn’t back to normal

In my head?

Too much thinking little living too much anxiety

Self inflicted

Lacking a stable source of stability

Scared?

Strength comes from deep within

Snap into fierceness, snap the fuck out

Sleeping in, sleeping late

Wake up at 5, wake up at 7

FUCK!

F IS FOR FAMILY

you know what?

You know what?

You you know what?

I need to find out what I want to be

Stop chasing, sit down and feel

Not thinking

Feel

Music makes me happy I feel

Stress comes from entrepreneurship

Necessary to the craft but fuckety fuck fuck

Playing dress up, seeking suitors

Who the fuck am I

Playing dress up

Seeking suitors

This girl that I so proclaim I’m into

The people I obsessively talk to about her

They know, I know

Chasing an idea, a phantasmagoric thing

She’s not that interested?

Then why?

Or am I just in my head

Isolated

Months isolated

Jesús fucking melodramatic bitch haha

Just in my head

So is it more right to wallow in lonely?

And feel? Or just stop

I think I need some space

Some rest

I’ve been saying that for a while

But I think I need to just stop for a sec and get inspiration

Step back from this startup shit, it’s scrambling my brains

Just need to chill and find myself

Happy Fourth of July!