It’s been a weird couple of days
A turning point of sorts it seems
There comes points in life where you gotta cut your existing harnesses
And strap onto new ones
Your new paraglider taking you into foreign lands on foreign winds
I have yet hacked through the current ropes that pull me around
Still carried by the currents of the past couple of months
Still trying to untangle myself from the months of COVID
To figure out how life is so normal now
This island that is an oasis of sorts
From the stress of the world
I feel like I am living a dream as I walk around people – too many people
In subway stations, where masks are still mandatory, I feel the mark of what is really at stake
The lurking fear that is masked by the masks
Covered up and largely ignored
How am I supposed to just live normally if nothing is normal outside of this little oasis
I don’t often notice the harnesses pulling me down
Each rope I find new whenever it lurches me in a new direction
One that has stayed constantly pulling is this girl
I want to be free and I feel like she does too
But I am scared of being lonely – who the fuck isn’t?
She’s also different- complicated
Unraveling and unwrapping her own set of ropes that tie her here and there
If we just get tangled we get tangled more and more no?
Or the question is can we help each other
The famous proverb tells me I got a goddamn PLANK in my own eye right now
I think I am dependent on terrace house
It calms me
I think i latched onto it in a time of need, and now it’s just comforting
Had a conversation about friends today
My grandma is losing her faculties
She can’t really reliably say that she is my grandma, she mixes up the names of her daughters
She can’t correct herself anymore
I love her and she lets me borrow her massage chair
Tells me she will find a wife for me
“You’re 22 right? I’ll find you someone beautiful”
“2 years older is okay right?”
I am spending more time with family and it is tough
Talked to my mom about religion and weed haha
I told her that to be completely honest, if I had stuck to church and a religious lifestyle I would be pretty depressed
And weed has honestly helped me find a lot of happiness within myself
And a community
I think a community is most important
And enjoying music together
God I miss smoking on the sundeck with friends
I have unresolved feelings
I feel like I have unresolved feelings for Lara
She was with me for such a critical moment in the quarantine
She validated me in ways no one else had before
And the way that she would look at me
It’s just seared into my mind
Jesus
Writing this blog post has just completely made me melt down
Just in bed crying man
I’ve been crying a lot
I was just having so much fun in school
I had got to a point where I had friends and this girl that I really, really enjoyed
Clumsy little thing but she gave me so much joy
Obviously I gloss over the bad bits right and it’s easy to forget what went wrong
But I genuinely miss her
I feel bad about this girl now, as I don’t feel like my soul is in it
My soul is still at my dorm, in my single
On that sundeck, with that community, with those people
I know I have to move on, but I have just been compensating
Fondue, all the work that I’ve done since, maybe even the people I’ve met
Just to compensate the feeling I had at school
For once at that school I genuinely felt at home
Home
Like I belonged
Ensconced
Heat Wave, Glass Animals- Safe and Sound – Redbone
Sorry Jesús I just fuck
Just started remembering you know when you start remembering
How COVID derailed my last days at school – every moment is so seared into my mind
It’s awfully nostalgic though
It was so apocalyptic I think I can’t forget
I’ve been under this blanket of almost grief
I felt today walking out of the subway, Jump by Van Halen playing
I felt a bit happy, smiled on the streets to myself
Like I was rounding that corner
There’s shit to resolve – like Lara
But I think i can round the corner
Peas and Carrots 