Holiday Road

Writing this as the melatonin kicks in

I’ve been having trouble sleeping

I’ve been having trouble keeping a routine

I’ve been having trouble getting out of the insecurities that have plagued me all my life

I’ve been having trouble being in the moment

But I’m getting better at it – I know it

I still think porn is at the core of my problems and I need to solve it if I truly want to live better

But that’s the thing about addictions right

You know but you just can’t kick it

Fuck me man

Thinking about Abu Dhabi or Singapore

Both great places

Will apply to both places

Drove the ex to Yilan last weekend

When did I really truly have fun?

Playing beer pong with my brothers

Teaching them the rules lol

Why?

Probably because it made me live the life I wanted

And like successfully do the thing that I have been afraid or have had anxiety with

Driving also gave me peace- but completing the drive without any accidents at all

And just driving while the girl slept in the passenger seat

It just felt good

I’ve always felt like I have been bad at being enough or a man or an adult

Stuck being seen as the kid

And whenever I’m able to truly snap out of that, especially with other people seeing me out of that

That’s the most fun

But if I’m insecure or not in a situation that sets me up- I just don’t have fun

Just learning man day after day

Keep breathing fire

Past Lives (the movie)

I’m not sure I know how to have fun

I feel like I have a problem

But I have also had a really bad week because I have had a cold

I felt the cold coming last Tuesday

And so I took a morning off to try to stop it

Didn’t work

Next day I think I worked from home

Then the day after we had a typhoon

Monday I went to my first press conference it was a cool experience

All these things are cool experiences but gnawing at me is the sense that I am not in a solid position

I just feel shaky

I always feel shaky for some reason

Like everything I have is going to be taken from me

I’ve done a lot

I’ve done a lot this week and this weekend

I tried to see the cold coming, tried to mitigate it, went to the doc when it didn’t work

I looked into starting a new project and played with chatgpt and learned a bunch about it

I had a session with a new kid starting school in Canada, he was quiet and I got some of his interests out from him which was good

I got a haircut, albeit not one that I loved

I got new glasses, they are transparent Ray Bans- I like how they look but they mess with my eyes when I put them on

I got new shoes which were kind of expensive from Ralph Polo Lauren but I like them

Identified places that I was stuck on in terms of my art learning

Found a little course to teach me some music theory

Drew a new Chuck which I like

But all this stuff is so isolating

I stopped seeing a girl because she didn’t have the best breath

That sounds dumb and that isn’t the whole picture but I just don’t know how to break it to her

But I need her comfort and care and kind of reeling

The other girls I am talking to i like but they are not as caring

I have a sinus headache right now I think – I don’t know if I have ever had one before actually

Just couldn’t fall asleep

Bought some Xiaomi stuff, my room is starting to be a room

Major setback though was I found a porn site not blocked by my filter, so spent a ton of time on that

And I didn’t get any exercise

I feel like I’m just thinking about all this and not enjoying life and socializing and all

But can you blame me?

I am not built from confidence

And when setbacks like this happen they hurt

I need to like get back on my feet

But first things first I need this sickness out of the way

Get back in the gym

The baby steps will add up

Get my ass to Singapore

Things will make more sense

Hair grows back now I want it

It’s a process

I have always known it would be a process

But I just need to get through it

Just not having enough fun

Not sure how to manufacture it I realized today when I think of hosting events I always feel excited

Okay I have to rest but needed to write some stuff down

Because I’m trying and I don’t want support from my parents in terms of like direct support you know like

I need them to live cool lives

I think I’m ashamed of them I always have been and that’s tough

How do I get rid of that

How can I be proud

When the world isn’t kind

Fuck man ahaha

Everything will fall into place eventually

Just focus on the work