Cutting the Leash

Hypochondriac

Very possibly

So anxious of being sick

My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my chest was hurting and I feel a cold coming on

Is it the COVID?

My leg and my arm are both hurting on the left side

ALS?

Sounds silly but it isn’t for me my mind runs wild and I worry

Trapped you know

Unable to feel happy

Scared and in my shell

In times like these where I can’t escape I can’t move it’s just like I’m a child

But the child that is afraid and hiding

Not the one that is excited and runs around and is looking forward to all the new things to learn

And see

It’s tough because I realized how alone I’ve been this year

Yes, no I have met people

And I have had family

But for the most part I have lived for myself

Apart from a community, apart from someone who cares

I long for it for sure

A real relationship – someone who I am brave enough to commit to and love

But just afraid that they won’t love me back right

Afraid they won’t because they find out I’m depressed

And tied to this notion of being locked up

My body imperfect and decaying whilst young

Telling myself shit is going down

Panic panic panic panic everything closing up nothing great alone unhappy no future could make me feel better

Cannot sleep then tired then frustrated then sick then worry then unhappy then hopeless

It’s tough right

But throughout all this I do do things I do do

In fact I do a lot

I learn I read, I try and step out of my comfort zone

It’s been harder to because confined but I will do more slowly

Coming out of my shell – have a job now will try to fit into a routine

Will move in with others, a small community

Some friends into more friends

Forgetting about body pains because they will come and go and most likely go because I am young

But if not I did once get to work out

I did once get to play basketball

I did once get to hike and jump up mountains leaps and bounds

Leaps and bounds

Hope and life you know now just a little depressed

But I will be fine

Just alone – hard – I cannot tell most of the time if I am losing my mind because I am alone

Or depressed

Viscous cycle that needs and will be broken

But currently just chained by body aches

Need solidarity and people to stand by me

Need to open up about my health and have people tell me it’s okay

It’s okay

It’s okay

It’s okay – you’ll be okay

Everything’s okay

It’s really really okay

It’s okay to not be okay

It’s fine it’s okay trust me!

It’s okay

Orientation Eclipse

I was doing fine I think

Just being damn lazy just in bed all day sleeping until 2

The rice cooker was on the floor and I crouched down to get another bowl

When I stood back up, my left chest hurt when I breathed in

Hurt when I breathed out

I thought no way what the fuck

It was the night before I would start my first full time job

The world was straight up fucking with me

My dad literally did not believe me

I have fucked everything up

Put a dent in the side of my car

Hit someone

Bacterial infection

Sick here too another bacterial infection

Everytime I come here something goes bad

And this time it was my chest

Decided to go to the emergency room because it wouldn’t go away

In fact it’s a whole damn day later and it’s still there

They did an EKG, a blood test, and an XRay

All came back normal

Nothing in particular to look at

I swear I feel like I have a blood clot

I know I’m not supposed to fucking diagnose myself

But my left leg has been in great discomfort for a long time

I think it’s the pelvis section and it traveled up

Again I don’t know it’s probably minor but

The doctors didn’t show much concern

It’s just that my chest literally hurts

It’s sharp localized pain

I went to work – my second dad drove up with my dad

He was proud he dropped me off

Went into a quick orientation and started learning things

Talked to my manager and saw his manager and met some people

The day flew by I actually spent most of it alone just

Reading about the company and asking questions

Lots of questions about how the business works and have no idea how the tech works

All the time my chest just hurting right

So scared man

Since my other accident happened

The self inflicted incident

I have been so anxious all the time

But like deathly anxious like depressed and panicked

Scared of everything just sense of doom

Feel like death is around the corner

I’m so scared of this blood clot if it is

I am so afraid of the fact that my chest has been hurting for 24 hours

Ibuprofen did not help

Getting a checkup tomorrow and I hope I get answers

I have not told my mother and honestly it’s just so hard

Have not told her about the crash too

I have made her panic so badly she’s gone to the ambulance before

I can’t deal with this

I’m so scared she’ll be so scared

Hard to focus on my work like this and be in it

Especially now that COVID is happening here too

It’s like the perfect storm out to fuck me

I need to have faith and just stay strong

Believe that the doc will try his best to heal me

Just do my job

Praying for my health

My leg, my chest

I just want to know why this is happening to me…

Otherwise

Good day right

My mom gave me a kindle (bc I lost mine a couple of weeks ago), some baby oranges, and dried mangos

I don’t know what I’m going to do living away from my mom

Truly don’t know how I’m going to leave my parents again

Probably just need to be healthy and I’ll be confident and feel like I can live again

Arrivederci

And with that, all of a sudden she’s gone back

2 weeks spending pretty much every day with this girl and poof

Blackouts all over the city

Some worker was supposed to flick switch 1052 and flicked 1053 and poof

4 million households without electricity

COVID breakout happening a bit- there’s local transmission with unknown sources

People getting scared, and I’m getting flashbacks of last year

Lockdown imposed, the world ending

It’s different back in the States, a lot of my friends seem vaccinated and good

Many are at graduation today, in person

Her second to last day here I found a nice Airbnb hostel place

I honestly had so much fun

She made me watch Twilight and in all honestly- the half that we did end up watching was not that bad at all

I felt free

We ate jelly beans, drank a bit, made some instant noodles, and had ice cream in bed

Felt like a kid again it was just so fun

Companionship is so great

She didn’t really know me but she’s really trusted me and I appreciate that

I haven’t been with someone younger where I’ve had to take the lead in a while

And this was good

We took a break at 2 in the morning and went on a walk and the streets were alive

I loved it

Just small amounts of people walking around tiny food stalls still open

We had gotten a foot massage – her first – that day too

A bit concern these days for me health wise is still my left leg

Still bothering me and it honestly bugged me to get those massages

Left leg and my breathing has been a bit irregular

We went shopping for lube lmaooo went to like 3 convenience stores

Also bought some face masks and did them when we got back

Before we got back we stopped at a beef soup place and had a bowl with some rice

Just at 2 in the morning

I was talking to the guy there in Taiwanese – he was very impressed that I could speak all the languages

It felt right it felt good it felt like home

With her

I like how she’s from Shanghai and I like how she shares my culture and background

Probably means more than I feel because I couldn’t process too much having only 2 weeks

But we did so much

The other day I stayed behind in another city where she was staying just to get a nice meal with her

And that was nice I loved it – spent a bit more but it was just

I don’t know it felt like living

She’s not perfect right of course- I feel like I sometimes run out of things to say

But no one is and she’s just shy with her feelings

Difficult to process that she left the island

Yesterday yes blackouts we all went out to eat as a friend group

And we didn’t do anything I just kind of wish we did more

We got pizza

One of the shops open in the blackout

Truffle pizza was tough for me but everyone liked it

I also just like having her in the friend group it’s nice it feels good

Our group has joked about ourselves being a sitcom

I think every good friend group has done that since Friends aired

But yeah it seems like the end of a season

At least for me

As I start working the next two weeks

And this girl was 2 years below even though we were the same age – She might be the last person I see who is still in undergrad

It’s just going to be a different chapter

Applied for my Alien Residency Card today with mama

Huge win for me since I’ve been on a useless visa- I feel like I’ve been disenfranchised and feel like I have a future again

Got hot pot with her and we talked about how humans pretend to have order through chaos

A waiter dropped a tray and it startled everyone and I noticed that our structured manufactured order was so fragile

But she said if you zoom out there is order – the planets loop around each other and all

And I told her the three body problem – it actually is chaos bc we can’t measure it

And she said well we just can’t measure it bc we’re limited finite humans – doesn’t mean it can’t be measured

Definitely have more respect for her after that convo

Saw some cats, did some work on this article I’m trying to write – it’s a post that expands

Different way of expressing an idea that I think will help impatient readers

Had a call with a prospective person I might live with- but might not get it because there is another prospie

Mm just a bit anxious of my leg bc I still feel like something is wrong

And then sad the girl is gone because we were able to go on so many adventures together

And just uneasy about covid

Good times honestly, just anxiety dominating

I’ll miss her!

This was it

I finally got my work permit approved

My exception to a 2 year work experience after undergrad requirement was granted

Meaning that I will be able to work my first full time job

And I really just feel like I can finally breathe

In a lot of ways I just feel like I am finally free

Definitely a lot more work to go

But this is how I felt when I finally got my stomach problems figured out

When they disappeared I just felt blessed every day

I’m sure that’s why this was delayed for so long

Big man upstairs just wanted me to really fully appreciate the opportunity

Not to just get it and eventually take it for granted

I called the Labor Ministry and they told me it was approved

And my company checked and they did and when I got the phone call from my HR recruiter telling me it was good

It was just the best feeling in the world

I had an amazing day yesterday to be honest

Could finally tell people what I was planning to do the rest of the year

Was with all of my friends when I found out

Called my parents and my dad just sounded so proud

Just feel great about it really

COVID might be breaking out here

And I’m afraid everything’s gonna get fucked again

Which would be super sad just as I was about to start

But yeah, there are local cases in rural areas that have untraceable sources now

I rode the high speed rail to another city

Where all our friends were meeting and hanging for a night with another friend who lived there in a hugeeee apartment

Went down with the girl I’ve been going on a couple of dates with

Had Korean food and was trying to just break a barrier with her

She’s shy opening up her feelings which is totally reasonable I didn’t know exactly where I was at either

So unfortunately, we got onto the express train hahahaha

And completely overshot our city, making it all the way to the other city I’m from

But it was honestly a fun mistake

The weather was great and we just like held hands it was sweet haha

Got to friends place and we played mahjong, ate fried pork chops for dinner

Went to the luxury apartment and played board games and switch

Love Letter and Survive were the board games

And Overcooked and Love something co-op steering a spaceship saving bunnies on Switch

Ended up sleeping on the guy’s couch

Called one of my best best best friends in the states and we talked about blockchain and Econ and his life my life love

First order wants for a relationship vs second order wants

Like I want something attractive vs I want to want something more

Popped melatonin lol and had people come in early in the morning it was so jarring bc I just heard their sounds but was afraid to get up

As a visitor

Today just played more mahjong and survive haha really didn’t do much

Ate dinner with the girl – took her to TGI Friday’s

Wanted to stay in that city with her for the night but it’s my mothers birthday tomorrow so decided to come back

Also couldn’t find a great AirBnb

She leaves in 2 days and I’ve only known her for like 2 weeks or so

But we’ve hung out like every single day

She’s quiet and we often run out of things to say

And I kind of want to ask about that haha like what r u thinking

But all in all she’s nice and I believe she is just a bit inexperienced which is fine

Looking back at all the fun activities we’ve done- including riding the wrong train- it’s actually been a really great 2 weeks

She’s and only child and I am too- I think just having companionship is really exhilarating for the both of us

Will be sad when she leaves

I love living international and being international but that’s the thing that sucks the most for sure

Just having people leave all the damn time

This was a good weekend, the good news about work just sent it to a whole new level

Now if my leg would just heal up haha LORD

Seeing her tmr again gotta see what we want to!

Good vibes this weekend man good times with friends enjoying the special moments

Extremely grateful and hope I stay humble – probs should get that tattooed fr

Baby Big Bird

I’ve seen this girl I think 6 out of the past 7 days or something like that?

What is the meaning? I don’t know

She’s leaving in like 6 days

Why do I always get close to the people that are leaving?

Less pressure to form a close bond?

Or more pressure to make deliberate moves to get to know each other faster?

Less responsibility bc it’s not a long term commitment ?

Or more work to make sure the short term commitment goes how you want it and doesn’t crash and burn?

We celebrated cinco de Mayo

Went to a Mexican place and had some drinks just in the park

ETH is spiking you 3800 right now

I bought 1, liquidated other stocks

And also bought some x2 leveraged tokens

Just took a deep breath and splashed my cash but tbh could have done more

I just believe there might be other entry points and there might be a big drop

A singular big drop

But who knows

I’m just going to buy more and more I believe it has crazy potential literally more than people think

3.8 k is going to look stupid just like 1k did

I haven’t gotten my work permit yet

This week I’ve had a couple nights where I’ve felt no motivation and just lack of purpose

If you’re not making decisions can you have purpose?

I was talking this week about how you can’t have no relationship or no work

Then you aren’t making decisions by yourself and will just feel a bit purposeless

Not sure but going on these dates and spending time with this girl has felt like something

The rest of my time I spend on understanding crypto

Spanish – at reflexive and present subjunctive

And getting more comfortable with reading and writing Chinese

Playing pool and mahjong with friends

But with her she doesn’t know how to play pool or mahjong or anything really so I have to teach

I also have to make decisions on which places to go and what to do if we’re hanging out

Went to a ratchet movie theater thing where you just rent a room

Watched the conjuring and it was actually really fun

She’s been complaining to her friends that I have not made a move and she has not given me much indication or anything

I made a move

But idk if the move was enough of a move lmao she gon leave

I need my work permit, supposed to have a start date of in two weeks

Would be a perfect job

Can’t get fixated have to keep working

Blockchain stuff I have been thinking about how to educate people and help people understand what is going on

The learning curve is super steep

I’ve been coding up this expanding blog post idea

You can click on words and get info boxes to pop up on the side, and the post also unfolds as you read on.

I actually really enjoy it it’s starting to look good

Code may not be the prettiest but it’s progress I just have to keep an eye on the progress

I also have to remember I have good friends who care about me

We did superlatives and they called me toxic and racist (which I really do not believe I am at all), and most likely to be successful

Thank you to the last

as for toxic, I feel like that has just been me being self destructive and being in bad relationships recently

I have also kind of gotten out of the mindset of staying positive

And keeping on grinding

I’ve kinda dropped all that but I still need to believe man

It’s Mother’s Day and my moms birthday is coming up

We went to a cultural park today and she bought these beautiful earrings

And we also found this stand that was doing custom watercolor portraits

So I got one of mama and baby me – dad paid for it

It don’t look much like us haha but it’s the thought that counts

Love her lots