Hypochondriac
Very possibly
So anxious of being sick
My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my chest was hurting and I feel a cold coming on
Is it the COVID?
My leg and my arm are both hurting on the left side
ALS?
Sounds silly but it isn’t for me my mind runs wild and I worry
Trapped you know
Unable to feel happy
Scared and in my shell
In times like these where I can’t escape I can’t move it’s just like I’m a child
But the child that is afraid and hiding
Not the one that is excited and runs around and is looking forward to all the new things to learn
And see
It’s tough because I realized how alone I’ve been this year
Yes, no I have met people
And I have had family
But for the most part I have lived for myself
Apart from a community, apart from someone who cares
I long for it for sure
A real relationship – someone who I am brave enough to commit to and love
But just afraid that they won’t love me back right
Afraid they won’t because they find out I’m depressed
And tied to this notion of being locked up
My body imperfect and decaying whilst young
Telling myself shit is going down
Panic panic panic panic everything closing up nothing great alone unhappy no future could make me feel better
Cannot sleep then tired then frustrated then sick then worry then unhappy then hopeless
It’s tough right
But throughout all this I do do things I do do
In fact I do a lot
I learn I read, I try and step out of my comfort zone
It’s been harder to because confined but I will do more slowly
Coming out of my shell – have a job now will try to fit into a routine
Will move in with others, a small community
Some friends into more friends
Forgetting about body pains because they will come and go and most likely go because I am young
But if not I did once get to work out
I did once get to play basketball
I did once get to hike and jump up mountains leaps and bounds
Leaps and bounds
Hope and life you know now just a little depressed
But I will be fine
Just alone – hard – I cannot tell most of the time if I am losing my mind because I am alone
Or depressed
Viscous cycle that needs and will be broken
But currently just chained by body aches
Need solidarity and people to stand by me
Need to open up about my health and have people tell me it’s okay
It’s okay
It’s okay
It’s okay – you’ll be okay
Everything’s okay
It’s really really okay
It’s okay to not be okay
It’s fine it’s okay trust me!
It’s okay
Peas and Carrots 