I was doing fine I think
Just being damn lazy just in bed all day sleeping until 2
The rice cooker was on the floor and I crouched down to get another bowl
When I stood back up, my left chest hurt when I breathed in
Hurt when I breathed out
I thought no way what the fuck
It was the night before I would start my first full time job
The world was straight up fucking with me
My dad literally did not believe me
I have fucked everything up
Put a dent in the side of my car
Hit someone
Bacterial infection
Sick here too another bacterial infection
Everytime I come here something goes bad
And this time it was my chest
Decided to go to the emergency room because it wouldn’t go away
In fact it’s a whole damn day later and it’s still there
They did an EKG, a blood test, and an XRay
All came back normal
Nothing in particular to look at
I swear I feel like I have a blood clot
I know I’m not supposed to fucking diagnose myself
But my left leg has been in great discomfort for a long time
I think it’s the pelvis section and it traveled up
Again I don’t know it’s probably minor but
The doctors didn’t show much concern
It’s just that my chest literally hurts
It’s sharp localized pain
I went to work – my second dad drove up with my dad
He was proud he dropped me off
Went into a quick orientation and started learning things
Talked to my manager and saw his manager and met some people
The day flew by I actually spent most of it alone just
Reading about the company and asking questions
Lots of questions about how the business works and have no idea how the tech works
All the time my chest just hurting right
So scared man
Since my other accident happened
The self inflicted incident
I have been so anxious all the time
But like deathly anxious like depressed and panicked
Scared of everything just sense of doom
Feel like death is around the corner
I’m so scared of this blood clot if it is
I am so afraid of the fact that my chest has been hurting for 24 hours
Ibuprofen did not help
Getting a checkup tomorrow and I hope I get answers
I have not told my mother and honestly it’s just so hard
Have not told her about the crash too
I have made her panic so badly she’s gone to the ambulance before
I can’t deal with this
I’m so scared she’ll be so scared
Hard to focus on my work like this and be in it
Especially now that COVID is happening here too
It’s like the perfect storm out to fuck me
I need to have faith and just stay strong
Believe that the doc will try his best to heal me
Just do my job
Praying for my health
My leg, my chest
I just want to know why this is happening to me…
Otherwise
Good day right
My mom gave me a kindle (bc I lost mine a couple of weeks ago), some baby oranges, and dried mangos
I don’t know what I’m going to do living away from my mom
Truly don’t know how I’m going to leave my parents again
Probably just need to be healthy and I’ll be confident and feel like I can live again
Peas and Carrots 