Oysters in a Jar

This person this woman is really making me think, is really changing my life

It’s painful, but she is really doing it

She’s helping me learn a lot

At the expense of herself? It shouldn’t be like that

I am imperfect

I was her escape and something to bring her joy

Now I have brought her more pain and confusion, more of the same

Why does the cycle continue? And I have learned now

If she gives me another chance, will the cycle still continue? Will I fail again?

Probably because I am human, but how do I do it in a way that I am not an asshole?

Maybe not even an asshole, just mean

I am mean sometimes just acerbic in heated arguments

I think it comes from how I felt trapped and that everything was out of my control as a kid

And now I’m just letting the world know u know

I think it might be my addiction to porn

Which I am trying to break I am trying hard, very hard

I am trying my best, but is it for her?

I might not feel the heat and the immediate love, the sparks that I have felt before and wrote about here in earlier posts

But is that necessary for us to be together and choose to love each other?

Love is a tricky thing

I do not say I love you in relationships anymore, but honestly I would

If it didn’t have its implications, and if people didn’t make such a big deal out of it

Implications as in it affecting the feelings of others, either pushing or pulling them in or away

Big deal as in, people are like wow you said I love you

But the truth is, I love this woman

I don’t care if she doesn’t give the the spark

She did on one day, made my heart melt

And that was enough

I had a huge crush on her, and thought being with her was impossible

Then once I did get to spend more time with her, I became sharp

As I always am – and I’m not saying she has no faults for me to be upset about, I’m saying why do I have to be sharp

And angry and sensitive?

She came at the perfect moment in my life

Where I was giving up hope

Since I’ve met her, I’ve started to quit porn again

I’ve started working on my own startup idea again, she encouraged my idea and loved it

I’ve started working back towards fixing my leg, believing that I could get past it again

I’ve cooked more than I have – gave up a couple of months ago

I’ve started to think about my future and what plans I should have

I’ve started to realize my insecurities, including in masculinity and being infantilized by family and others

I’ve started to realize my temper and quick fury a real problem

Of course I love this woman are you kidding

I do

I do okay I just don’t know why I won’t say it

A part of me is like ah you’re just telling yourself you love her bc she helped you at a crucial time

But the fact is she did that

And no one else could have in the same way

My grandma, ama is close to the end

I can feel it

I go once a week now

In the past couple of weeks, she has forgotten my mom’s name and her sisters names

The people taking care of her 24/7

She is getting weaker and slumps to one side, and falls asleep in her chair

I think it’s nearing the end

Hard for me to see, I love this woman as well

Work is getting better, but I still don’t feel like I’m contributing as much or exercising a skill

I’ll figure out what I need

I’m taking it slow, but making improvements

I might be depressed sometimes, or missing companionship from crucial people, but I am at the best version of myself I have ever been I think

Mental health not the best, but accumulated knowledge is the best for sure

Figure it out as we go

Keep breathing fire