Feelings
Feelings for someone
It’s funny bc if you think about how technically our existence is meant for reproduction
Feelings are the point of life
Feelings lead us to situations where we reproduce
So they are what are most important thing in life
I explained an English thing to a coworker today
It’s 10 Card Limit, not 10 Cards Limit
Like 52 Card Pickup, not 52 Cards Pickup
She thought I made a typo when I typed 10 Card Limit lol
And I was like oh no English is weird
I didn’t even know how to explain it or Google the rule
I’ve been drawing Chuck Wagon the koala everyday
Practicing drawing his body in different situations and poses
Been putting real life backgrounds behind him and I really like that vibe
Some design and some illustration
It gives me joy
But what really sparks life in me is feelings
There was a lack of these feelings with D
I love her, but in a deep family care type of way I think
My experiment was to see if that would evolve into warm fuzzy
But I’m not sure it will, at least in months
Or especially when you are meeting and interacting with other people who might give you that feeling
Then you compare, then you have expectations
I picked up a book about the basics of economics today
I took ECON in college, and this book still explains things better
I think sometimes learning is like layering paint
The first layer is kind of light, but you need to put on another layer for it to start standing out
Or evolve into the color you wanted- the actual useful color
I had a good day because I felt feelings and joy
With this girl at work
I have feelings for her- all our coworkers were at a different location today, and it was just us
So we went out for lunch at this tiny pasta place
I like how I can talk to her about my life and not feel like there are comparisons
She’s just different, and also at a same stage I feel like she is a sibling but no platonic feeling
She has a boyfriend, so sometimes I feel as if she thinks we are completely platonic
But she was laughing so hard today I don’t believe feelings are not shared
Like if one person truly feels feelings, like laugh together in a genuine way
The other person has to feel some sort of sparked joy
I dunno
Then at the end of the day I went to her desk and waited for her to finish up and leave together
It felt like middle school it was fun lmao
I stopped talking to D after a dream
I have told this dream to multiple friends
They think it’s hilarious I love it too
It’s of me on this large, fake dinosaur with others – we’re all like just trying to stay on bc it’s weirdly shaped right
It’s like an Apatosaurus 🦕
And it’s in this huge red room, kind of like an experiment
We’re just chilling until at some point, the people announce that we can like touch each other
And do whatever, like play time in Brave New World
And I started with this first girl and felt nothing much
But this second girl, who was Luc from high school, I kissed
And I like actually kissed this person I swear the dream was that visceral
And idk how but I woke up right after the kiss
And I felt just ALIVE
I realized I needed to meet new people perhaps date, and feel that LIFE
The excitement of a new relationship, of feelings, of a first kiss with someone you are interested in
I worked out my legs for the first time at a gym in like two years
Cannot believe it!! Will slowly work back
Not going to stop breathing fire
But starting to find my way, slowly
Reading that Little Fires book – got sucked in so it’s 2AM now
Need to sleep, but just had a good day I wanted to record!
Peas and Carrots 